Civil War: The Road to Recovery
by ncis-csiNY
Summary: The Story will follow everyone's lives for six months after the end of the Civil War
1. You don't know what you've got

_**You don't know what you've got till it's gone…Up until few months ago I thought this was the stupidest phrase in the whole wide universe. I mean how can you NOT know? If someone is in your life, he or she is there because you care about them; you care enough to know that they are important. You care enough to know that they… you know that you need them to keep sometimes you… you just don't…**_

* * *

Tony Stark, Director of SHIELD, this is probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever had heard. Me? Director of SHIELD? You see, things change, and people change. I did. I changed into a person I don't know, or like. As I stare at the Potomac River outside the window I realize that I don't like the view.

I don't like the Potomac; I am so used in seeing the East River outside my bedroom window that the Potomac is not what I want to see, but I don't want to turn my head inside because the inside of the room is even more suffocating. Took us almost three years to have the Triskelion back up and running, too many hours in the hill kissing asses, too many… took us even longer to have S.H.I.E.L.D. re-founded. All of that for what? For, nothing apparently…

I close my eyes and I pretend I am back in NY, back in my lab, back in our tower. It's so peaceful there, even with all the people walking up and down, coming in and out the lab, talking walking on the glass floors, it's peaceful. I can almost see Bruce scrambling something down on his notebook, the coffee Pepper dropped for us before she left still there, a green and a red cup sitting sight by sight. My notes scrambled around my desk, my pens and pencils making a mess. "How do you work like that?" Steve was always wondering and I feel almost guilty for answering to him "It's the new way Rogers you wouldn't understand" I always messed with him, calling him pops, popsicle, gramps. I was pushing his limits day in and day out… and I guess, he broke. Or did he? I don't know what to think anymore. I suppose he broke, maybe… how knows, it's not like we are in speaking terms any longer.

A sharp knock on the door distracted me and I turned my eyes inside again. It hurt. This was Coulson's office, even though he just had been in this office for less than a day before everything went straight to hell. Still this was his office.

"Come in" Bruce opens the door and slides in, he is worn out, tired, lost… I've never seen him like that.

"Steve is ready for transfer to the fridge, would you like me to do anything?" I curse under my breath; today… today was the day that Captain Rogers would meet his final house. The fridge, first old S.H.I.E.L.D. facility Coulson restored. Now the same facility was going to hold his favorite hero.

"No, we're good, make sure the security is top notch"

"Steve won't try an escape you know that" I raise my head and look straight in Bruce's eyes, he is taken aback, I guess he didn't expect me crying, who knew that Tony Stark had a heart.

"That's not what I'm afraid. Long time ago, when we first became 'the Avengers' Steve made promise that if something happened, someone from the team was in danger, and he couldn't help, I would protect them, I failed, for Natasha, Clint, Coulson… even for you, I failed, I'm not fail for Steve, he is still in the eye of the storm, people don't like him because of his surrender, other because of his ideas, but I'm not going to fail him. I failed to protect my team-mates, I'm not going to fail him too." Bruce nodes his head, "Have you visited him?" he asks.

"No" he chuckled and I looked away, "I guessed so" I looked at my friend, he looks so much older "have you?" I asked him, I knew he did, I am after all he director of this place.

"You know I did" I sit on the chair unwillingly; I wonder why it's so uncomfortable, was it always like that? The one at home wasn't.

"He looked… defeated, tired, you'd think he had seen it all, in all those years on earth but…I guess he didn't. You should have visited him" I look down at the floor in shame, the last time I met with him face to face wasn't…

 ** _Flashback_**

 _Everything around me is on fire, even my soul. I look around trying to find captain, Steve, trying to find Steve, but I can't , I know he hasn't given up, I know he is here around, it's not in his nature to give up, walk away from a good battle. I also know that he is good, so I make sure to double check any alley before I enter. "So you haven't fled" I heard his voice and I turn to face him "Not a coward, I leave that to you" my words stink, I can see it in the way his mouth twitches, in the way his eyes dull a bit. "Please don't make me do this" he pleads, nice, I want him to._

 _"There is nothing except this!" this is the only way to peace, to justice, I know, I am right! "Cap look, I'm not asking you to surrender, I'm asking you to listen! Put down your shield, stop fighting, hear me out!" I see his jaw clenching he is considering, please God make him consider. I know I said to the congress I'll do whatever I can to get to the Winter Soldier but actually kill Steve? I am not sure I can do that. "America gave me that shield, I'll surrender it when I'm dead!" I see him getting in position and I know that he made up his mind; I duck just in time to avoid his shield hitting me straight in the face and close the helmet. "Don't tell me I didn't try!"_

 _We were fighting for at least ten minutes (to me it seemed like ten hours) my armor was starting to fail (that's what I'll later say) but in reality I'm getting tired, oh so tired. With one last blow I'm on the ground and I can see him standing above me, his shield raised ready to strike again, I open the helmet, I want to see him one last time with my own eyes, if I'm going to die by his hands at least I want to look in his eyes as I do._

 _"What are you waiting Steve?" I question will he realize the favor he will do to me by killing me? "Finish it!" I see him freeze and he stops. I release a breath I didn't knew I was holding "Steve?" I breath his name without realizing it. He stands up and lets the shield fall from his arm "I'm not going to fight you, you are my friend" I get chocked by a sob that will never leave my lips and I clumsily get up to see him walking back in the main road with his arms raised to the sky. He surrenders?_

 _"Captain what are you doing? They'll throw us all in jail if you surrender now!" Pietro, always trying to reason with everyone._

 _"We were beating them Cap! We were winning back there!" That's Sam, I managed to get up and take a few steps._

 _"We were winning everything except the argument! We were supposed to fight for the people and the right thing Sam, but it's not what we're doing anymore, we're just… just fighting!" I reached at the end of the alley just in time to see him kneeling on the ground stating his name and serial number. "I surrender" his voice echoes in the whole block. The officers arrest him and the rest of his team, whoever is still standing; I wait hidden in the shadows until the road is empty before I break down, before I crash down to the ground_

 _"Tony, here is Bruce someone activated the launch codes for our weapons system, they targeted a building, Franklyn and Calyer Street I can't stop it!"_

 _My suit was straining as I was pushing my limits to get there in time "Bruce, go there, warn civilians! Now!" I almost scream in my com, I and Bruce both know that it's not to each other, I'm not angry at him, not anymore. I am angry at the world, and at myself, how could I trust S.H.I.E.L.D. Fury, with codes to my weapons' system, how could I be so foolish!_

 _"I'm on my way!" I pass the Brooklyn bridge and look down trying to find the street Bruce said, I know it's almost across from the tower. But what was I looking for? A residential building, an office building, or maybe a construction site what was it?_

 _"FRIDAY search for life signs in the building!"_

 _"Right away sir!" I see in front of my eyes 6 heat signatures in the building, my heart went to my stomach "FRIDAY, can you detect the DNA?" I know this building, suddenly I recognize it, it's just a street away from Steve's birthplace._

 _"No sir, but the building in registered in Captain Rogers' name" I am so close, so close to the building when I saw the missile it was a small range highly specific, my design, it's going to take down the block. Small victory the block contains only of this building, the rest are just construction sites for future possible residential buildings._

 _"We got civilians inside, 6" I tell Bruce, he is piloting the quinjet_

 _"I can get them out!" he says, I am too selfish, too selfish to let him, "I just lost almost all of my friends today I'm not loosing you too Bruce!"_

 _"Nothing can harm the other guy, he can get them out, it's worth a try!"_

 _"Get in! FRIDAY, take over the quinjet" I see the Hulk walking in the building but at the same time I see the missile hitting it, I know it's a lost cause, everyone inside is dead, well everyone but the Hulk, 6 more people dead because of me, because I couldn't act as an adult, because I'm a failure, because I'm worthless. Because I'm… me._

"It still haunts you?" Bruce knows, he knows why I didn't visit Steve, last I saw him he surrendered himself to save people, and I got 6 more people killed. "You know it wasn't your fault" Bruce's voice is soft. He tried to make me feel better before, he knows it's not working and still trying. Such a good person, such innocence.

"Yeah right!" I turn to face away from him, back to the damned river. "I really hate the Potomac"

"I know right? It's too… green" I look at Bruce, a mischievous smile on his face.

"How was he?"

 _ **Flashback [Bruce's POV]**_

 _"Good morning sir" an agent stands at attention, how weird is that?_

 _"Good morning, where is Captain Rogers cell?"_

 _"This way sir" I notice the agent he can't be older than twenty five, how did he got in this mess? Why?_

 _"Well well, look who came!" Steve's bitter voice rings through the almost empty room. I look around at the temporary holding cell, just a bed, a toilet and a blanket, the US Government is not so font of him I see._

 _"I came to see how you are captain"_

 _"Haven't you heard doc. I'm not a captain anymore. I was dishonorable discharged."_

 _"I am sorry to hear that. I really am" Steve raises his eyes, they were bloody red._

 _"Do you think the fact that I'm in here means you and Stark won?" what is he trying to do? Is he trying to hurt me? Apparently Tony was right, he truly does hates us._

 _"As a matter of fact yes, that's exactly what it means" I know, deep inside me I know that there are no winners and losers in this battle, we fought and hurt each other, friend turned against friend. There is no way to win in this, but almost selfishly I want to hurt him, just as much as he hurt me. "Look, all in all you have to see this from my point of view before you judge my choices. I can't have a normal life, I can't have a relationship, you have Sharon, you had someone there, who wasn't afraid of you, you could sleep with them at night and you weren't afraid that you'll kill them because of a nightmare. I lost Betty because of who I am, because of what was done to me. I became a monster; they made me a monster because they wanted to create supersoldiers, because no one was there to control them. I am a monster and no matter how many times I save the world I'll still be a monster. I can't have a family!… What's so wrong with knowing how many people are in the index? We need to know them, Hydra had access to their names, all those people would have been valuable assets to the Avengers, maybe one day inherit the team or threatening enemies. Hydra was brainwashing them! THEY WERE BRAINWASHING THE, STEVE! TURNING THEM AGAINST US! AGAINST THEIR FRIENDS! YOU SAW THE TWINS and I was so many others. I wanted to show you too, you wouldn't let us. Clint, Maria they saw that. I saw them turning their guns against friend and shooting to death with a second thought, I saw them freezing people, breaking them into thousand pieces, burning S.H.I.E.L.D. agents to the ground because they lost control of their selves. There are teleporters out there, others than Trip, other we don't know about, they can break into anywhere and out of it they want to, or are told to. They can walk into the White House and kill the president, into a SHIELD secure base and steal government secrets, SSR files that are not in the online system. Steal Tesseract weapons, anything and everything Hydra tell them, can you imagine that?"_

 _"Even if what you say it's true who made you thing this was your job to do. Who made you and Stark the moral compass of all of us? How could you sit down with all those people? Tell me Deputy Director Banner, WAS IT WORTH IT?" I'm taken aback by his loud voice. "WAS IT?" I see the guards coming in "We're good" they don't believe me, "Go" but I know they are not going to defy a direct order by the deputy director of SHIELD._

 _"I don't know, I honestly don't know. I hope it was but I can't know, all I know is that I'm sorry it came down to this. I'm sorry… I still consider you a friend despite everything"_

 _"That's how you treat your friends." Again trying to hurt me, he's trying again._

 _"Is there anything I can do for you? Anything?"_

 _"Make sure Sharon is ok. That bastard Ward didn't do anything to her." Sharon was rescued a day before Steve surrendered and was in a hospital wing since then._

 _"I will, I'll have her transferred to SHIELD's medical, so I can keep an eye on her."_

 _"Thank you" his eyes soften a bit, he is tired, I never thought I'll see him tired. He was always so energetic…_

 _"I am really sorry it came down to this" I got up to leave, I reached the door when I heard his voice, so soft almost like a whisper "So am I Bruce"_

 ** _Back to Present Day [Tony's POV]_**

"That's what you came to ask me isn't it?"

"If it's possible"

"Sharon is SHIELD agent, I'll give the order."

* * *

 _"Natasha!"_

 _"How dare you come here after everything you told me last time?" Clint lowers his head_

 _"I am sorry Nat, after Loki, I know I wasn't myself. I shouldn't have… I know you aren't heartless, I know that, but I never… I had pushed Laura and the kids, their deaths… I pushed them in the back of my head for so long, I almost forgot they existed, I forgot about the young carnie that met the tiger girl and left the circus with her. Loki brought all that back, he picked them, twisted them, he made me see their deaths again and again, he made me… even… that you killed them. Doctor said everyone reacted different to the mind gem control. I guess… I wanted them to be alive, because then, maybe I wouldn't have failed them, and maybe I wouldn't have failed you too. Who knows? It's your life, your body, your choice; I don't blame you not wanting that baby. I blame myself not being there and I do blame you not telling me. No matter what you should have told me, I would be there with you." Natasha tried to speak but Clint silenced her "I don't care what the doctors told you, you should have told me. We don't lie to each other. We are a team, you and me, we are a team ok?" he takes her face in his hands and leans towards her, his forehead touching hers softly._

 _"We are a team" she is crying softly, small tears rolling down her cheeks like diamonds. Because against popular believe Natasha Romanoff does have feelings, she does cry and bleed._

 _"I'm sorry Nat, I'm so sorry!" The two of them were standing, foreheads touching, his hands on her face, her hands on his arms, eyes closed tears rolling down their faces._

 _Just standing…_

 _Standing and holding each other close._

* * *

 **[Sharon's POV]**

I am lying on the bed in medical unwillingly. I don't like it here, I need to leave, I need to find Steve, I have to warn him, _kill him_ , no I have to protect him, I love Steve, I have to protect him!

 _You have to kill Steve Rogers, you'll kill Steve Rogers!_

No! Shut up, No!

 _You have to kill him!_

"I love him…" Bruce Banner is walking outside my room, if I tell him about my head, the voices, he'll help, he knows how, he'll help, he will

 _No one can help you now!_

He comes in he will, he'll help.

"Hey" he is starring at the floor nervous, "Are you feeling any better?" _Yes you are_

"No, I'm not, I'm… sometimes I don't know who I am" I admit please let him know what I mean. He walks towards my bed and sits silently in a chair next to me; his hand reaches for mine, which sits limplesly on the bed "Sometimes, when we feel like we've lost ourselves, the best way to get them back is to remind ourselves who we are, You are Sharon Margaret Carter, you are an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. , an ally to Captain America, you love Steve Rogers, you are a friend of Natasha Romanoff, you hate Tony Stark-"

"I don't, I don't hate Tony, that's not real" I say, suddenly things are clearer in my mind, the fog is lifting "My name is Sharon Margaret Carter, I am an agent of SHIELD, an ally to Captain America, I'm in a relationship with Steve Rogers, a friend of Natasha Romanoff, Maria Hill and Melinda May, I grew up in New York, Tony Stark and Antoine Triplett were my childhood friends, I was held by hydra, I am an enemy of Hydra." As I speak the fog lifts more, the voices silent and breath in relieve,

"Feel any better now?" his voice is concerned, he cares and I wonder how much he hurts with this turn of the events.

"I am, everything is clearer now." A small smile lights his tired features and he runs a hand through his hair "Every time you feel like losing control remind yourself who you are."

* * *

 _"No Maria you don't understand! The index was a secret for a reason! To protect the people in it!"_

 _"How did this protected Donnie Gill from Hydra? Or Chan Hon Win and Mike Peterson from Centipede? Or even better, how did this protect the agents in the sandbox from Donnie Gill? The index being a secret from the US Government was probably the biggest mistake Fury had ever made!"_

 _"Oh, so now you're against Fury, because I remember couple years ago you were willing to put our marriage on the line for him"_

 _"Do not bring that up!" Maria's eyes widened she really thought they had put this behind them, she honestly never thought he would bring that up right now "I came here to explain to you why I stood with Tony, but are too DEAF to HEAR it, or is it just me?" Coulson turns his head away, why does she always have to play the guild game? "Alright I get it, you don't want to hear me, I was such an idiot believing you when you said we could make it work! Of course we can't, you haven't forgiven me for TAHITI have you? You were willing to forgive everyone else, Fury, May, but not me. You were ok forgiving everyone who was in the program from the day you died but not me who didn't knew until a week before your last operation. Classic! It's always the wife's fault isn't? Or is it maybe just my fault because I'm not good enough to do anything? Why don't you answer to me?" Phil turned to see her, her eyes glassy, of course, of course he made her cry again, apparently that's all he is good at doing these days. "I don't blame you, and I don't think that it's your fault, but I'm not married to May or Fury, they are my friends they lied to me and betrayed me but I didn't swore to be with them in sickness and in health for better or worse, till death do us part Maria, I took those oaths seriously your betrayal was worse, and I tried heaven knows I tried to look past it but I couldn't"_

 _"Then I guess we should end it"_

 _"I guess we should"_

* * *

Sharon was walking down the street she felt the weight of her gun on her ankle, she wanted to go to Steve, she just wasn't sure if she should. Right now the voices were out of her head but for so long? What if as soon as she sees him the voices come back? What if she is not strong enough to fight them? She can't risk his life like that. She needs to protect him, at all costs.

She walks around the city trying to avoid the Triskelion at all costs. She knew that he was going to be transferred there before taking a quinjet to the Fridge. She was going to visit him there when she is better. Not now because what if the voices are back? It's almost time though. It's almost time; he probably is close to the Triskelion by now. She might be able to see him but this will be her last chance to touch him, to hug him. She can't lose that opportunity, so her step fastens and she walks towards the place she avoided for so long. A small voice in the back of her head tells her not to do this. She needs to stay away from him, but the itching in her hands for his skin is by far more loud and urgent than the voice. She needs to see him up-close, sure Tony won't stop her. He knows what he means to her because he means just as much to him.

She reached the Triskelion much faster than she expected, apparently she wasn't that far away after all. He is there, just got out of the van, right there.

"Steve!" her voice pierced the air between them, she was pushing through the crowd to get close to him, his eyes were wide, he looks around trying to find her because Steve knows, he always knows her voice.

"Steve!" she screams his name once again and waves her hand trying to signal to him where she is.

"Sharon!" she hears him shout her name again, his voice is hoarse, why?

"Steve, I'm here! I'm here!" she pushes through the last people standing between her and him, but before she can reach him before her arms had even a chance to wrap themselves around him like a protective shield the sound of three gunshots rip the air and fill her ears.

Sharon looks around her, searching, looking for a shooter and then looks down at her own hands to see if maybe she was the shooter. If the voices took over before she even had a chance to stop it.

But her hands were empty the gun was still strapped to her ankle she was still herself. If it wasn't her then who was it? Bobbi looks around trying to find where the shoots come from and Sharon looks where Steve was supposed to be standing. But he is not there. He is on the ground with blood, so much blood, gushing out of him. He is bleeding.

"Steve!" she runs, this time she really runs to him and kneels to the pool of blood next to him from somewhere in her right Hunter screams on top of his lungs, "Rogers is down! Where the hell is the fucking sniper?" Sharon repeats his name like a prayer, again and again.

"Help us! Someone call help!" Sharon screams through her tears, when did she start crying? She had no idea.

"Sharon, the… the crowd" Steve was trying to speak, but blood was filling him mouth,

"Shh" Sharon tried to silence him, his hand reached for her.

"No, get them… to… safety" his words were coming out slower and slower. Sharon moved his head to her lap and tangled her fingers in his hair

"Don't worry about them Steve, the agents will help them" he coughs and blood splits from his mouth rolling down his chin

"No more innocents hurt… promise"

"Don't worry Steve, just hold on, paramedics are on their way" Sharon places a soft kiss on his forehead while stroking his hair softly, why was she here?

 _Kill him, Kill Steve Rogers! Her eyes widen when she hears the voices in her head again._

 _No, my name is Sharon Margaret Carter, I'm an agent of SHIELD, an ally to Captain Rogers, I love Steve, I'm in a relationship with him, I want him alive and well! I love him._

"I love you" she says and his smile lights up the moody sky.

* * *

 _"You need to go to a date Rogers!" 'Oh, God!' Steve thinks 'Not again!_

 _"Can you please drop it Romanoff, we are on a mission, did I commented on the fact that you and Banner have been doing the horizontal tango for the last few months?" Steve sees Natasha's eyes widen and then close. Something is wrong, "I and Bruce are not…. We never were together. It was… I'm married." Steve looked at her in shock "I didn't knew, why who?" Natasha turns her head away and starts walking to the other direction "With someone who doesn't remember it" she says before she disappears around the corner. Everything makes sense suddenly in his head. Why Natasha was so comfortable in Clint's farm, why she knew before everyone that something was wrong with Clint, why she looked so hurt each time he left the tower to go home. Why she didn't reacted at all in the sight of Clint talking to an invisible woman. She knew beforehand that Laura, wasn't there. That the kids he was so proud of were just pictures hanging on the walls of a disserted home._

 _Clint Barton was married just not to the woman he thought he was. 'Everyone reacts to the mind gem differently.' Eric Selvick's words make sense now, he wasn't talking about himself. And why would Natasha care about the effects of the Mind Gem control. Steve took a step back as if an invisible hand pushed him back. How had he missed that?_

 _He looked around at the almost destroyed streets of Sokovia, they've been here for about three days, other agencies offered help. He hoped that maybe… just maybe the CIA will offer. Of course the only left standing spy organization didn't have time to deal with rebuilding and helping people in the other side of the Atlantic, still somehow childish but he hoped he will see her. Steve knows it's all just a stupid fantasy, he doesn't even know if she feels anything at all for him, the kiss they shared that night before Fury got shot in his apartment could be a part of her cover, and after all times change, people these days share a kiss without feeling anything about the person they share it with. It's not the 40s any longer._

 _If that's the case though why can't he get her out of his head?_

* * *

The ambulance was racing to the hospital Sharon was holding Steve's hand, the paramedics have tried to pull her away from him but she wouldn't, couldn't leave him.

"Just hold on Steve, we are almost there." She used her right hand to draw circles in his palm while her left hand was tangled in his hair.

"My Sharon…" a small smile formed on his lips and she followed his lead,

"Shh, don't speak" he smiled a little bit wider and closed his eyes. "So beautiful, so smart… you take my breath away" Steve left a gasp and his head fell limply on the side.

"No! Steve!" Sharon's screams were silenced by the echoing sound of the flat line…

* * *

 **Tony's POV**

 _ **Too often we don't realize what we have until after it's gone, because too often we are too stubborn to say 'Sorry, I was wrong, you were right'. And just like that, way too often it seems like we hurt the ones closest in our hearts, the people we love and need the most, and we let the most foolish things, tear us apart. Just because we didn't understood that we had everything we needed right there in our hands.**_


	2. Til it's Gone

_**Chapter 2: 'Till it's gone**_

 **When we are dying or suffering a catastrophic loss we all go through the five stages of grief. First we go into** **denial** **, because the loss is so great we can't imagine it's true. Then we move to** **Anger** **. We become angry with everyone. We become angry with survivors, with ourselves. Then we** **Bargain,** **we beg, we plead. We offer everything we have. We offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger starts to become too hard to maintain, we fall into** **Depression,** **despair… until we finally have to accept that we have done everything we could and let go. In the end we let go and move into** **Acceptance** **.**

 **XXX'Till_it's_goneXXX**

[Tony's POV]

I left the office and started walking into the building. Maybe I'll feel better if I'm not seeing the damned river all the time. As I pass the corridors I see the agents look at me through the glass panels of their offices, they hate me here. They are not even trying to hide it. I turn my head ahead and try not to look at anyone else walking past me. It should be easy; I have years and years of practice ignoring people around me like I'm better than them. It should be easy. It's not, it's so not. I care about hat these people think of me. Why? I still haven't figured it out.

Bruce I walking towards me he looks upset, I don't have a chance to ask him though, because he drags me into what looks like a broom closet. "What the hell Bruce!"

"Steve's been shot, Morse can't locate the shooter two gunshots one in the neck the other entered from the back exited from abdominal. He is being transferred to Georgetown University Medical Center." I can feel my feet buckling and suddenly I feel so grateful he dragged me into this closet. At least no one will see their _Director_ falling to his knees and struggling to breath. I gasp, trying to fill my lungs with precious oxygen but I feel like a hand over my mouth and nose suffocates me. "Where… where… is Morse… now? Was… was anyone… anyone else…?"

"No, no one else was hurt but…" Bruce closes his eyes he rubs his nose with his fingers I look at him and he looks distressed. "When Sharon was here, we took a blood sample and…" a cold shiver runs down my spine if there is a God up there, please let her be alright "Is…Sharon alright?" he opens his eyes and I can read the pain there. "Bruce! Tell me is she ok?"

"She is pregnant 9 weeks; she was pregnant when she was taken by Hydra. If Ward knows about the baby… Hydra…"

"We have to keep her safe, where is she now?"

 **XXX'Till_it's_goneXXX**

" _Carter failed. The programming didn't work on her"_

"Did you take him out Bones?"

" _I did like we planned. How about the asset is he back in our side?"_ Ward looks on the other side of the room where Bucky Barnes was struggling in front of the TV, he is still holding strong, not for long though. No one is strong enough to hold off forever.

"He will, and when he is ready we'll get Carter back and her bastard of child!"

" _Ward, you know I'll follow you, Garret trusted you with his life and so will I but why so hell-bent on Carter and Rogers, the baby."_

"Rogers, was simply to hurt Stark, disorient him. Carter doesn't matter to me the baby though has the key to the supersoldier serum and it's completely vulnerable. I'll do everything to get my hands on it. As Whitehall said, discovery requires experimentation"

 **XXX'Till_it's_goneXXX**

I walked into the office again as fast as I could, I see my phone on the desk, the screen flashes and Pepper's face appears. I took a moment to admire her. She always looks amazing. It's the only picture we have together that it's not from some sort of official fundraiser it's just us, Tony and Pepper, just us.

"Hey Pep."

" _Are you ok? I heard about the shooting!"_ her voice is worried.

"I am ok Pep, I wasn't even outside"

" _I'm not talking physically Tony. Do you want me to come over? I can catch a flight be there in few hours."_ I feel the vomit rising, it's not like I forgot, how could I? I just thought I could handle it better, spoiler alert, I can't

"I'll be fine Pep, if I need you I'll call" I know I won't, and she knows I won't too. It's not that I don't want her here, I do, I really do, but at the same time I don't want her to see me right now, not the man I've became. I am not the man she loves, right now I am… I am…

" _Alright, I have to go to a meeting, but anything changes call me, at any time ok?"_

I force a response out of me, _"I love you"_ I smile, she knows how much I love hearing her say those three words, I used to be scared of them, of love, scared because I never thought I deserved that. I probably still don't, but that doesn't mean that I don't mean it when I tell her

"I love you too Pep, stay safe"

" _You too"_ she hangs up the phone and I feel empty, hollow. She is far away she can't see me now, thankfully. I lean towards the desk breathing slowly, my eyes closed, my knuckles turning white. How did I get here? Why?

A hurl leaves my lips and I throw everything from my desk, I see the lamp and the phone crashing on the floor, I'll probably have to replace them but for a short while their broken pieces give me some sort of clearance.

At least I'm not the only broken one in the room.

 **XXX'Till_it's_goneXXX**

" _Skye!"_

" _May!" the two women run towards each other, "A missile just launched for this building we have less than 5 minutes!" May's eyes widen, "Oh my God! Coulson and Maria are upstairs! Go! Warn them! I'll search the rest of the building!" May left towards the left side of the corridor and Skye stated climbing the stairs in front of her all the way up to the fifth floor where Coulson's apartment was. "Coulson!" his name echoed in the empty hallways, she screamed and screamed and screamed all the way. She hoped he will hear her, hear her voice just like all the other times she needed him, she hoped he will somehow read her mind, somehow figure out the danger and leave the building._

 _She reached at the fifth floor and saw the closed door. All her hopes crashed down when she heard his voice and Hill's voice from the inside arguing. She hates it when they are arguing but it seems like that's all they do these days. She wishes she could meet the young couple from the wedding picture Coulson always kept on his desk, these two where so happy, so in love._

 _Skye started banging on the door, "Coulson!" The voices stop and he opens the door. "What's going on Skye?" she grapes his arm "We have to leave the building! Someone launched a missile, we have to leave!"_

" _Stark's the good guy right?" he turns and tells the woman inside the apartment, his voice is full of venom and for a moment Skye can't recognize the man whose arm is holding._

" _Tony wouldn't do that. If you think he would you probably don't know him well enough!"_

" _Look it's not the time, we have to..." the ground shake as debris started to fall around them._

 _She was too late…_

 **XXX'Till_it's_goneXXX**

Sharon fled the hospital as soon as they reached there, he was dead, gone, Steve was dead!

 _You killed him!_

"Shut up!" she was driving towards… she doesn't know where to, but she is driving somewhere and she is going fast. Tears are still running down her cheeks, she was supposed to kill him, she didn't, that means that they are coming for her now. For her and he baby, she can't let them do that. She has to go underground, hide in some old forgotten safe house, change her name, change her hair, change everything about her. She'll do it, she is good at that, she'll be a whole new person. How hard can it be? She looks outside the window trying to figure out where she was at the point, she knew she left Virginia, but she wasn't sure if she reached Pennsylvania yet or if she is still in Maryland. She is probably going to end up in New York, not that she has anywhere to go there but she'll visit his birthplace one last time before she drops from the face of the earth. Probably Canada, Vancouver was probably ideal, quite big city surrounded by big forests for her to hide, maybe buy a cabin somewhere there. An easy life.

A simple life.

A life without Steve.

 **XXX'Till_it's_goneXXX**

Sam was starring at the seat covered body for about an hour, hands crossed over his chest, eyes stuck on the floor. He shouldn't be here, he is a fugitive after all, he is also pretty good at sneaking in and out of places.

"You shouldn't be here Sir!" he turns around whipping his eyes as fast as he could, apparently he wasn't that good at staying hidden. "Sam? What are you doing here?" he sees better now the woman's face more and more familiar as he gets closer to her "Madison? You work in Georgetown University Medical Center?"

"Yeah, since some idiot blew up my previous job! I had to put my medical degree at use, and it's not Madison anymore, Madison Fury is dead haven't you heard, she died at the Triskelion." Sam gave her his famous half smile and her brown eyes light up with a small smile of their own.

"Who are you now then?"

"Megan Dixon"

"Jarred Massey" the two shake hands with a faint smile on their lips, all the days and night spent together at college flashing through their eyes.

"Well, you should leave _Jarred_ " she gives him a hug and he can feel her hand on his back pocket " M street and 31st street corner by the Old Stone house park, Third floor" she turns and leaves, Sam stands there for a moment starring at her leaving the room.

"I miss you pal" he turns to leave his hand on Steve's shoulder. "I wish you were here"

 **XXX'Till_it's_goneXXX**

"Tony! Tony where are you going?" Bruce is calling my name from somewhere in the back of the hallway "Hey!" I feel him grab my arm and I turn around "I'm going to Steve"

"Let me drive you there."

The drive to the hospital is one of the most silent drives in my life, Bruce turned off the radio as soon as we stepped in the car, I look outside as the lights of the city turn on and a strange melancholy takes over again.

"We're here, Tony, it's not your fault"

"Yeah, right" I get out of the car and adjust my jacket, the corridors of the hospital are mostly empty now, just a couple of nurses maybe a doctor or two passing by.

I stop at a nurse's station "Can you tell me where the morgue is please?" a petite blonde nurse raises her head "Mr. Stark! The morgue is on the basement, walk straight ahead and take elevator 4 to the basement first door on the left." I smile "Thank you" I walk to the elevator, the two agents assigned to my security are walking two steps behind me. they followed me and Bruce in their own car, apparently I can't go anywhere these days without an escort… "That's the farthest you go boys, I need some moments alone."

"But sir, it's not"

"Save it, I can protect myself if need arose, I'm Iron Man remember?"

I step into the elevator alone and watch them debate whether or not they should follow my orders as the doors close.

When the doors of the elevator open I realize that this is it, I'm finally going to face him, I am going to do the right thing and explain, explain everything to him. I reach the door and take a deep breath before I open the door. His body is lying on a table in the farthest corner of the room. It's almost like they want to give him some sort of privacy, why though he is not in a freezer I have to idea, probably the super soldier serum in his blood has something to do with it.

"Hey, I bet you never thought you'd see me, but here I am. I started my new job today, Director of S.H.I.E.L.D." I look at his face, the blood all cleaned up from it, "Can you feel it out there? These… kids… they'll salute and take orders but you can feel it, they are Phil Coulson's kids. They don't _like_ me here. And frankly they don't want me here. They want their _daddy_ back. Guess they'll have to love me, you did! I think though that its my fault. I made a terrible speech to my agents, I was trying to make a point so… I told them about King Pyrhus of Epirus, you know who he is right? You probably know who he is. He defeated the Romans during the Pyrhic war at Heraclea and again at this place called Asculum, and that war went on forever and ever and the casualties were devastating, bodies from both sides lying as far as the eye could see, his _friends_ were all dead, his _commanders_ were all dead and those who were still alive started high-five each other for the victory, then King Pyrhus said "One more such victory would utterly undo me." meaning that… well you know what that means. It means that there is winningand there is _**winning**_ and sometimes winning doesn't feel like winning, it feels almost like losing, and we might as well have lost if this is what it costs. I said this to my new employees because I wanted them to know how this felt to _me,_ and they looked at me like I dumped at their cereal bowls, I was trying to say to them, I wanted them to know that I understood the reality of this I knew how everyone felt, but it's just came off like I was criticizing them for their effort, I guess there is a way to talk to soldiers, I just don't have it. But that's not why I came here. I came here to tell you, why all this happened, it was because of mind stone, the day Wanda showed me, my fear, I didn't just saw you all dead, I saw us, at war. It had never occurred me before that very moment. But right there and then I knew we were going to war, we're warriors, with weapons and ideals and things to fight for, things to die for. It's who we are, it's or defining characteristic. We fight, we avengers we avenge. At first, when I first got my head back I thought we would be fight a war against evil after all it's what we do, we _the good guys_ are fighting against them _the bad guys_. A war was coming, I just never saw us fighting each other. I saw a war, I knew it was coming and I've told you, that night when Ultron attacked us, because this is what I do, I'm an inventor, I can envision the future. I can see what the world will look like, and I can see what I have to do, to make our world worth living for. I see what we need and I invent it to help us get there. That's how I invented and upgraded my armor, that's how the Avengers were born, that's even how Ultron and Vision were created. I invent a solution to the problem. After that night I saw that there would be a war, but it would be a war of superheroes. And I couldn't find a solution to that. I didn't know what would fuel the war, or when it was going to happen but I knew it was coming. I tried to stop this war before it even happened I tried to tell anyone who would listen. But no one believed me. still I knew my fears were real, I know how that sounds, but I also knew that admitting it to anyone, including you my friend would be met with a friendly laugh, maybe a pat on the back and empty promise that it's not gonna happen, because you'll never leave me. Yeah, everyone thought I was just scared that my friends are gonna leave me. No one would take me seriously, so I kept it to myself. And I went on with my life, for months I waited for the first sing, but nothing. Just the usual, then I started to see a shift, not in us as avengers or superheroes, but in the way people reacted to us. They started almost… hating us. Even they didn't know they were doing it. And for all my predicting the future and knowing the feeling in the air. I did not see that coming. But the registration act, this was it. I knew what it meant, and I knew it would pass. I knew exactly who would fall on what side of the issue. And I was blinded. They gave me the chance to close the chapter of my parents death once and for all. I knew my feelings, and I knew your feelings. I realized that this was it. I knew we were one fucking slip away from this bill passing and sides being taken, one of us would give them reasons to pass the bill. I tried to warn you, warn anyone who would listen to be careful and that we should work within the system, we had to work with the government that the people of this country voted to represent them. To not follow my steps, the steps of this criminal arrogance I had I told you that. I knew you would force me… no, that's not right, you didn't force me exactly but I knew that I would be put in a position of taking charge of this side of the things. Because if not me who else? No one, so I sucked it up and I did what you would do, I committed, because if this wasn't handled with full commitment thousands of people would die. Innocent people, and I had enough blood on my hands, I knew what I had to do. Good news is that all through this I never took a drink. And if I didn't drink during this I probably won't drink again. So there is that. I did what I needed to do to finish this quickly, and I knew that this meant that we'd probably never speak again, or be _friends_ again, or even partners, I told myself that I was ok with it. I knew I was right and I… I knew it was saving lives." I stop for a moment to catch my breath, someone is taking away all my oxygen, and while I'm not totally against it, I need to finish this before… I need to tell him the whole thing. "It was! It was the right thing to do, to take responsibility of my actions, and I was willing to get friendly with people we despised to get this done, and I knew the world favors the underdog, and that I would be labeled the bad guy, I knew this and I said I was okay with it. And… and even… even though I said I… even though I said I was willing to go all the way with it… I… I wasn't" I feel the tears soaking my face now, and I barely hold on not to break in thousand pieces on the floor next to him. "And… and I know this, because the worst thing has happened! The think I can't live with… has happened. And for all our back and forth and all the things we've said and done to each other… for all the hard questions I had to ask, and all the terrible lies I had to tell… there is one thing that I'll never be able to tell anyone now. Not my friends, not my co-workers or my president, Bruce or even Pepper, the one thing! The one thing I should have told you, the one thing you asked Bruce, but now I can't, because no matter who loud I scream it, no matter how much I cried it, you won't hear it. But… Steve it wasn't worth it!" I break down on the floor next to him, my hand reaching for his, its cold, not as cold as I would have expected but still cold. "I'm sorry I failed you, I failed everyone, Clint, Natasha, Coulson, Maria, May and Skye were all in that building you bought in Brooklyn. I still don't know who ordered the hit on the building but I'll find it. I will I promise, you that. Even if I failed in everything else, the last I'll do is to find the person who did this. And after… after that we'll meet again old friend, and maybe… if I'm lucky enough I'll get to see you and tell how sorry I am… for everything. I'll have Sharon protected. I'll find a place for her to be safe, and Bruce will keep an eye on her like he promised. She'll be ok. I won't fail on that! And I'll try to find Barnes, if I do I'll keep him away from the government for you, because you would do the same for me, if that Rhodes and our places were exchanged you'd do the same." I lean forward and my forehead touches the cold metal of the table. The tears keep running down my face and I wonder how the heck I still have tears to cry. I spent an hour with him, just sitting on the floor. I get up still holding his hand in mine "Rest well my friend, I got this now."

 **XXX'Till_it's_goneXXX**

 _I was watching the new in Steve's apartment, the registration act passed making it a law. I tried calling Steve again and again but I couldn't reach him, I walk up and down the apartment, trying to calm my nerves when I hear his keys at the door_

" _Steve!"_

" _Sharon!" he dropped his shield on the floor and kissed me, and God it felt so good to have his lips on mine again. "It's so good to see you, I though you would have left."_

" _I wouldn't, I couldn't. I had to make sure you were alright. And you and I need to have a serious talk about what you're doing." I can see him rolling his eyes "Steve please!"_

" _Fine! I need to change first." He walks to the bedroom and my eyes can't pry away from his back, is that what's going to be like for us from now and on? Is that all we'll have? I follow him in the bedroom, even though I know we might not end up talking in the end. Because since when Steve and I in a room with a bed could just talk. I opened the door and saw him pulling a blue shirt over his head. "Hey" he turns and looks at me, "Hey, I know what you want to talk about Shar, but you're not going to convince me to change my mind on this. You know that right?"_

" _No, I don't know that!" I cross my arms on my chest "If I knew I would have left, I mean, assuming that my opinion matters to you. And the Steve I know what never closed off to other people's opinions." He gets up from the bed and walks towards me, "I'm not, and your opinion matters to me a lot!" he wraps his arms around me "But you're not going to be able to change my mind on this thing. What they're doing with this law of theirs is wrong. They're endangering innocent people's life and destroying the lives of the people, men and women who bleed to make this world a little bit safer."_

" _I'm not gonna argue with that, but you have to admit it has some good parts, and I want to make sure you are doing this because you really believe that this law is not good and not just so you'll argue with Tony. Because the registration act has some really good points, you've worked with the government for most of your life, you have proper training, how can you think hat it's a bad thing for other people with gifts. You saw what happened with Pietro and Wanda, that was because they had no one to teach them so they let, Striker and Ultron to manipulate them."_

" _It's not my time any longer, the '40s… were different, my identity is public you know what that means, people in my life have been targets, some have been killed, just because they knew me. I couldn't even live in a normal apartment building, that's why SHIELD put you there as my neighbor. And are you seriously going to tell me that you've never had to hide the body of some kind of drug dealer, or assassin in your apartment, wait till I was gone or asleep to call SHIELD pick them up while you were living across the hall? I've accepted the danger, not gladly, but I accept it, I am captain America, I understand the danger that comes with it. But not everyone is willing to risk what I've risked, and if I could I wouldn't risk it as well, shouldn't they have the right to choose if they want to get in that kind of danger?" I pull myself from his arms, "Maybe, maybe not Steve, because believe it or not they are risking other people's lives every single time they walk into firefight! Maybe not their loved ones' lives but innocent peoples' lives are in danger. Think about New York, Wakanda, Sokovia! How many people, innocent people got hurt?" I see him rolling his eyes again and I swear to God I want to blow his brains out, this man is infuriating me. "I talk to you but I feel like you're not listening, so I'll just tell you what I think have you lost your mind completely?"_

" _I haven't"_

" _Well it certainly looks like it every time you fight one your friends in the street."_

" _You think I'm okay with it." I see the pain in his eyes, I feel like I finally got him to listen but I don't know if that's what I wanted."I know that's why I'm begging you stop, finish all this. The registration act is a law, it's over. If Captain America doesn't follow the law the who hell will?" I am desperate each time he steps out of the apartment, with each new fight he picks he steps farther and farther away from me. it shouldn't bother me but it does._

" _That's why I can't! The issue is not so black and white."_

" _Really? It's not so black and white? You did not just say that! It's not so black and white? You… is Tony wrong wanting the killer of his parents brought to justice? Am I wrong not to trust him, given the fact that he shoot at my friends in the past? Are you wrong wanting to protect your friend? My God you are a dickhead! I was really hoping I could talk some sense to you before this went any further but…" his face changed, a strange expression of pain and frustration I've never seen before. "I should go" I saw him falling on the bed. He wasn't going to say anything? I don't know if I should be glad or frustrated. "Stay…" his voice was small, almost like a whisper. "Who the heck knows when we'll meet again after you walk out that door." I let my bag on the floor and walk to the bed, I sit down next to him my hand reaching for his which sits on his lap. "Steve, I'm afraid for you, you are a soldier, like me… you know the risks you're taking every day you walk out the door. You are willing to die for what you believe, I respect that, I… I just don't want the man I… I don't want the man I love dying, not for something like that." Our fingers interlaced and he brought my knuckles to his lips. He kisses my hand softly, his eyes closed, his facial expression soft._

" _I love you too Sharon, but… I can't stop now I'm far too deep."_

 **XXX'Till_it's_goneXXX**

Sharon looked around, after 5 and something hours she reached New York, she was lucky it was really lucky because she managed to pass Manhattan and go to Brooklyn quite fast. At first she thought about going to Steve's apartment only to remember that the whole building was nothing but rumble on the ground. She hit the brakes furiously and froze the car in the middle of an empty road. She touched the wheel with her head. Closing her eyes and breathing softly in and out. After few minutes she decided to drive to JFK, she can't drive to Vancouver, she has cash and a fake ID on her, she would be able to leave town without having anyone to find her. She was driving in Shore Parkway for an hour when the sun started setting. She smiled, a new day starting. Maybe that's a good thing.

 _You killed Steve, you killed captain America!_

The breath caught in her throat and froze once again. She was on a bridge, Spring Creek Park was in front of her. She had crossed on Belt Parkway apparently. The road was empty, no one was passing, it was too early. She got out of the car and leaned against the railing of the bridge.

"My name is Sharon Margaret Carter, I am an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., an enemy to Hydra, I was captured by Hydra, I am an allay to Captain America, I love Steve Rogers, I am pregnant with his baby. I hate Hydra. My name is Sharon Margaret Carter, I'm an agent of SHIELD, a friend to Tony Stark, I love Steve Rogers. I am best friends with Natasha Romanoff… My name is-" the loud bang of a gunshot pierced the air and a second followed right after. Sharon felt as if a burning iron was stuck in her gun. She looked down her white shirt stained by blood. She gasped and closed her eyes.

The last thing she could remember seeing was a figure dressed in black looking at her in despair.

The last thing she felt was falling…

she was falling and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

 **XXX'Till_it's_goneXXX**

I walked for the last 20 miles, ditched the car I stole in fear of the target _Sharon_ spotting me. I reached the bridge and saw her stopping the car abruptly.

I was made! No I couldn't have been I was careful!

She leaned against the railing and I could see the tears running down her face. I reached for my gun on my hip, and found a good hiding spot

"My name is Sharon Margaret Carter," the target, _Sharon "_ I am an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.," SHIELD, enemy! _Good "_ an enemy to Hydra," Hydra, allay _Evil! "_ I was captured by Hydra," _I am falling, a train moves too fast and I am falling_ "I am an allay to Captain America," another target _Steve_ "I love Steve Rogers," TARGET! _Steve, Kind and Good_ "I am pregnant with his baby." a baby, an innocent baby. _Steve's baby_ good and kind innocent baby. He has to get the target alive. He knows that so he reaches for his gun, he has to. But she is so scared so alone. And she is crying. She can't be bad. "I hate Hydra." Something clicks in his brain, Hydra, Zola, the Red Skull, Hydra=Bad! "My name is Sharon Margaret Carter," Sharon, the target, Sharon! The woman that made Steve, his friend, happy, the woman that made him smile, "I'm an agent of SHIELD, a friend to Tony Stark," Tony Stark, son of Howard Stark, a friend, a friend he murdered. He killed his friend. He couldn't do it again. He had to protect Sharon; he had to protect the baby. _Discovery requires Experimentation_ these words kept ringing in his head. "I love Steve Rogers." _Discovery requires Experimentation_ they'll experiment on the baby to discover whatever they want. "I am best friends with Natasha Romanoff…" Natasha Romanoff, Natalia Alianova Romanova, _Natalia_ young sweet girl, soft red curls, not afraid of his arm. Tying a small red ribbon across his wrist... Hiding the ribbon, finding it, I reach for the small pocket above my heart, the ribbon still there. She is friends with Natalia, only she calls her Natasha. But she is friends with Natalia, and Steve, she loves Steve. _Shoot her! "_ My name is-" and he does. He shoots her twice on the gut. He could shoot her on the shoulder. But the force of the bullet wouldn't have been enough to throw her off the railing and down the river. If she was lying on the road he would have to pick her up put her on the back of the car and drive her to Ward _Evil,_ and he would experiment on her, _on the baby STEVE'S BABY!_ That way she was safe. The baby was dead though, she was safe. If the baby was alive they would never stop, they would hunt her down to the end of the earth. He drops his gun in her gun and steps on the railing her body was floating on the river, half sinking half floating and he dived in after her. Her body looked so frail against his. He swam to the shore placing her on the soft grass. "I'll get someone to find you." He whispered in her ear. "I'll protect you" he climbs up to the bridge and gets in the car. Her phone was lying on the passenger seat. He craps the small phone on his hand and calls 911

"911 What's your emergency?"

"I… I am driving on Belt Parkway, I'm on the bridge in Spring Creek Park, there is a woman lying on the grass she seems to be shoot, hurry."

"Please hold the line for a while sir we need to trace your exact location, what's your name?" Name? What is… name? What name to use. He looks around him trying to make up some sort of name. But can't he drop the phone on the seat, and leans next to the car. "Sir?" he leans his head next to the door and notices a small card on the car. "Donald Lewis" he hears the sirens blare, and retrieves back to his hiding spot. The paramedics arrived and he pleasantly saw them caring Sharon on a gurney.

He knows he has to go back. But he also knows what the punishment is if he fails and he did, he did fail. They'll wipe him, he doesn't want that. He is not Hydra. Hydra is bad. Sharon kept repeating personal information maybe if he did it too it'll help.

"My name is… my name is…"

 **XXX'Till_it's_goneXXX**

" _And… and I know this, because the worst thing has happened! The think I can't live with… has happened. And for all our back and forth and all the things we've said and done to each other… for all the hard questions I had to ask, and all the terrible lies I had to tell… there is one thing that I'll never be able to tell anyone now. Not my friends, not my co-workers or my president, Bruce or even Pepper, the one thing! The one thing I should have told you, the one thing you asked Bruce, but now I can't, because no matter who loud I scream it, no matter how much I cried it, you won't hear it. But… Steve it wasn't worth it!"_

I hear the tears in his voice, his body softly falling to the ground next to me. my first thought was to get up, wrap my arms around the man and make him feel somewhat better, but I couldn't my body was numb and too heavy to move. Also remembering that it's because of him that I am here, that all this charade was even needed makes not want to get up.

" _I'm sorry I failed you, I failed everyone, Clint, Natasha, Coulson, Maria, May and Skye were all in that building you bought in Brooklyn. I still don't know who ordered the hit on the building but I'll find it. I will I promise, you that. Even if I failed in everything else, the last I'll do is to find the person who did this. And after… after that we'll meet again old friend, and maybe… if I'm lucky enough I'll get to see you and tell how sorry I am… for everything. I'll have Sharon protected. I'll find a place for her to be safe, and Bruce will keep an eye on her like he promised. She'll be ok. I won't fail on that! And I'll try to find Barnes, if I do I'll keep him away from the government for you, because you would do the same for me, if that Rhodes and our places were exchanged you'd do the same."_ His hand is warm against mine; the drug dropped my body temperature by few grades. His forehead dropped softly on the table next to my waist. My fingers itched to run themselves through his hair. The conflict was killing me, he was here, promising me that he'll keep the two most important people in my life safe. But at the same time promising (?) that he'll meet me again in afterlife. He plans to die? Is he going to die or will he? The excruciating hour passed slowly, his sobs filled the room and his tears still running down his face. With every sob, every tear I wanted to get up, make the pain go away because for all our fighting h didn't deserve that. But I knew that I couldn't do that. He might be ready to crumble and break but so am I. maybe one day we will meet again and I will get the chance to explain to him _why_ I did everything I did. And maybe he will explain why he did what he did. So many questions I wanted to ask him as he was kneeling next to me with tears down his face. Too many answers I needed while I was lying on a cold metal table.

I feel him getting up, his hand still grasps mine tightly _"Rest well my friend, I got this now."_ He runs his hand through my hair, in the same childish way he did when we were in the tower, right before or after calling me pops or Popsicle. His hand leaves mine and I am dying to grasp it back tighter, I can't, I want to but I can't do it not just yet. Although the drugs Madison _Megan!_ Gave to me on the ambulance have worn out by now I can't move. Some people say that grieve is best at making you freeze than all the drugs created by man. I hear his steps as he drags his feet across the room and the door closing softly behind him and I finally let the tears roll down my eyes. But I don't open them.

A warm hand touches my shoulder and I open my eyes to see the young brunet standing above me holding a set of neatly folded clothes.

"Time to go Captain, they are coming for you." Her face is sympathetic; I take the clothes she is offering and change from my bloody uniform.

"My father waits for you There were everything started. He insisted you'll understand."

 **XXX'Till_it's_goneXXX**

 **Denial, Anger, Bargain, Depression and Acceptance. Therapist tells you that you have to go through all five stages before you can put the pain behind you and move on. You'll only move on if you accept the loss. What they don't tell you is that Denial, last no longer than a flash, you can't deny the blood in your hands, the body in front of you. The real denial comes later much, much later in the game. Anger comes and goes. One day you are calm and you think you are accepting what happened the next you break all things in your vicinity to make yourself feel a little bit less alone. The Bargaining starts right after the first rush Denial stops and never ends. You'll always bargain for one more day, one more night, one more joke, one more morning making breakfast in the kitchen, one more laugh, just one more. Depression hits you right away, and when leaves (if ever) takes parts of your heart and soul with it, leaving you a little more hollow than the actual death did. Acceptance may never come, sometimes you accept, sometimes you die trying… and the circle never ends. After a catastrophic death you become a hamster stuck running in circle on a damn wheel, in a rollercoaster that never… ever… ends.**


End file.
